I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
