Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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