Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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