somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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