You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am available for nakedness
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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