How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
