she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
