my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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