Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
