He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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