you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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