Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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