cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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