I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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