nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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