Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
