My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
