i was born a porn star she said
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
