have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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