So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
