I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
