I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
