capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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