Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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