I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
