I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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