broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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