i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
