nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
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You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Congratulations! We have a period
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