So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
