Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?