Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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