You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
