Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
