I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just pee around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize