i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
