we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
