I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
