I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
