No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
