Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I cannot find my penis.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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