So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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