Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
