hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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