Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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