You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
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I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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