Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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