Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
