im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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