Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
