the condom got lost in my hair
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
being pregnant is like rehab
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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