ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
