So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
