I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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