I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
