Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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