I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
