mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
