My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
