so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
