i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Randomize
