I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
